jo.

 i didn't know what to do when it happened. 

i didn't know who to tell.

i didn't know who it would be too much for.

too less for.

i didn't know.

i sat down in front of the computer with a stillness in my head that hadn't been there in a long time. like all of the grey matter had been poured out of my ears. i took a deep breath, and started writing. to an old friend.

-

the first email.

to : jo
from : heeya

dear jo, 

                  hello again.

  we haven't spoken in a while. but then again, i have a bad habit of talking to you when i need you the most. it feels strange after two years. i feel disgusted. angry. exhausted. it's like coming back home after a nice vacation. looks so shitty from afar. you look at it and say, 'eugh i really really don't want to come here. maybe i can go back to the airport. start a new life somewhere.' at that point, you're too tired to book an uber to the airport so you say 'screw it' and you end up entering the bedroom that smells of stale deodorant and laundry on the chair. 

                it's been a while. new place. new people. yet the constant remains me. perhaps it is not the nurture but the nature. i am not a sadist, yet i unintentionally perform this cyclical torture upon my surroundings. my crowds. 

  i still don't know why i take whatever love i get off knives. anything at all. in return i give them sections of my body. that sounds very gory. like i offer them a finger. or an ear. no. it's more like i carefully carve out parts of my organs. like, here you go. a nice return gift. wait, i'll put a bow on it.

all the love i have not received crawls back to me at night. when i cannot see very well. 

i am still not above it. very below it actually. 

i like pretending to be nonchalant.

the chalant is very damaging and my damage control team is off fixing others right now.

yours for a while,

if you'll take me that is,

h.

to: heeya

from : jo

Hi,

Thank you for writing and yes, we'll definitely take you. We're always here for you when the situation gets tough, so you're never alone. 

Has something in particular happened to resume it suddenly and what are some ways you can deal with it ? The strategies you used earlier could help stop it again.

You talk about your damage control team being elsewhere, do they know what is happening to you ?

Like an oxygen-mask-on-self-first kind of situation ?

Maybe your pretend nonchalance has worked too well and they may need a clearer sign that you're struggling. I'm sure there are many reasons as to why you're feeling this way, and we are here to listen, if you'd like us to. 

Please stay in contact for the time being, so we can support you.

Jo.

-

the second email. 

to : jo

from : heeya

dear jo,

 sometimes i wonder whether you're a human. or multiple humans. or a robot :) either way you're very mechanical to talk to. it's fun for someone living with bipolarity. i tend to search for a certain consistency that your monotonous predictability gives me. it's nice for a change. that certainty.

    the name jo reminds me of jo from alcott's little women. ironic, how you're nothing like her. 

today when i was wearing my jeans, i realised something. laughed thinking, how i have exhausted the excitement out of all the pain i felt. oh how tiring i must be. the way my nerves sleep - it is a clinical issue now. i wish i felt something from time to time. 

the day it happened i was alone. and angry. and helpless. and embarassed. telling myself that there was no way around it. i mean ha, there's always a way around it. i should know. the body's emergency system however, does not. sympathetic nervous system, get ahold of yourself. if it brings the people who dislike me a little light, they must know a regret haunts me during the act. a repentance. 

knowing in fact, is excruciating is horrible when you cannot do anything about it.

as i write this i look at my hands and think, so ugly. i would be happier unseen. invisible.

i called someone after it was over. saying hey, i did this. she did not lash out at me, like i had expected. funny, was i disappointed for not being reprimanded for my actions ? i don't know whether it was because she's indifferently narcissistic or forcibly empathetic. this girl has a certain death in her. i wonder if i worsen it. i wonder if i poke at its slumber.

the mania of a psychology major does not amuse her.

the depressives, she does not get.

she is simply okay with all of it.

humans have a strange sense of selfishness when it comes to empathising.

we choose to see the world as we draw it on paper.

questions, questions. leave them be. you wouldn't get it. if you did, you would've already.

this got too long. how will your summarisation website work now ? apologies, friend.

yours until the morning,

h.

to : heeya
from : jo

Hello h,

                   You say you were alone and helpless. Could I ask you about that time ? What made you feel that way ? 

Please keep writing to us.

Jo.

-

the third email.

to : jo
from : heeya

dearest jo, 

  

    you have been offensively bent upon knowing the hows and whys of it. i will do justice to it in this email. for you, for old times' sake. 

  it's a lot like taking drugs. a suppressio- inducing-medication-taking feeling. or like taking a shit. your call, whichever one you'd like honestly.  

  sometimes i wish you weren't as robotic. as objective as you are. forgive me, this is only wishful thinking. 

  i was angry. i don't yell, i don't hurl things around like my father. i'm graceful like that. people have a habit of pouring into me. the sick, the fury all of it. nice stuff too, don't worry. usually i'm good with souping it up. they just caught me on a bad day, i swear. 

 this time i got scared. there was no pleasure. no addiction in the air.

 this time came a want to pass.

 that force can be dangerous. 

 because my diseases make me unpredictable. unreliable. and unfit. 

 i am in my meaning, a paradox of a person.

oh well.

yours, until you begin washing the dishes,

h. 

to : heeya
from : jo

Hello h,

 You say there was no way around it. This emergency mode. But you do realise there's ways around it ? Tell me ways you can go about that.

 You say you wanted a pass. To pass.

 Do you still feel like that ? Or was it in the moment ? 

 I imagine the predictability of the answers can be both annoying and comforting. We will go on listening you are working out a situation that works. 

Jo.

-

the fourth email.

to : jo

from : heeya.

dear jo,

today was tiring. i don't feel like writing. but hey, it's you. i like doing this strange ritual at the end of the day. 

i read your email. i smiled when you used 'i' in a sentence. you don't do that very often. you usually go with 'we'. i like 'i'.  'we' sounds very far away. whatever you feel good with though :)

i'm glad you acknowledged the predictability. you read through for once :). thank you.

can i tell you a secret ?

i assume you nod at this.

(in whispers as secrets are usually told) i am able to stop my addiction at whim.

wow, that felt nice writing it.

well, i can.

the only addiction that pulled on was this.

i'm usually good with avoiding cyclical addictions.

to medicines. to people. to things.

i'm good with letting go.

it's the continuation that pains. the pain instinctively tells one to end it. i do, usually. 

sometimes it's hard.

what's not, really.

i think i'd like to visit the seaside sometime.

yours until the winds change,

h.

to : heeya

from : jo

Hello h,

 

I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing your secret with me. It shows a strong personality when someone can stop any addiction when they want to, and that is something you feel you can do.

You have described how pain instinctively tells one to end it. Tell me more about that. What about the love that you have not received crawling back to you in gory ways ?

I believe the seaside is lovely.

Jo.

-

the fifth email.

to : jo
from : heeya

dear jo,

sometimes it feels like i've been waiting my entire life. for opportunities. for people. for time frames which did not feel like a slow decay. for replies. i like waiting for you, though. my entire day goes by and most of the time i look forward to your email. is that bad ? 

i need to start thinking of myself more than i think of other people.

thank you for the Is. 

you seem to humanize yourself with that :)

people around me are very ego fed. i am usually the kindest person around them. is it because i know how to walk on eggshells, and pick them up in time ? my father has taught me well. mostly it is easier to deal with them, because i know what angers them. what makes them happy. everything. i worry that makes me manipulative. 

i wish i knew myself instead of people.

i hope nobody knows me.

i hope nobody knows that i don't.

all my life i have not accepted love as it came to me. usually it was a reward. received once you've done something good. confiscated once you did something bad. 

children should not be parents.

i'd do anything for that reward usually. anything. oh, to be good. 

now i do everything, even if i don't get my reward. 

ha, familiarity can be frightening. 

i don't understand this strange conditioning.

i seem to have put myself behind everyone else. even the school janitor.

we must go to the seaside sometime. when it's cloudy and empty and full of shells.

yours until you need to sleep,

h.

to : heeya

from : jo

Hi H

I'm glad you look forward to these replies and I'm glad you realise you need to start thinking of yourself more than others. Is there any way you think you can start to do this? 

Walking on eggshells can be an anxious place to be, the anticipation of what others need, are placed above our own, but can give an ability to 'read' how others are feeling and tailor your response to achieve the best possible outcome. Do you see that as a safety mechanism to protect yourself rather than manipulation?

Being given love when 'good' and having it withdrawn when you were perceived to be bad, must have affected your self-confidence and self-esteem, I wonder, do you feel you are only worth loving on someone else's terms and what makes you put yourself last, even behind the school janitor?

I hope you respond, we are always here to listen for as long as you need us.

Jo

 

-

the sixth email.

to : jo

from : heeya

dearest jo,

today was a strange day. there is a graze on my hand, still red from the injury. i think i did a lot today. unloaded a lot, for the first time. without thinking whether it would be fair to people. 

i think i am selfish only in theory. not being selfish has hit me again and again. 

i felt like a huge weight had been lifted. when i told people what bothered me.

when i set boundaries. 

for others, but more importantly myself.

it was strange. 

i am used to understanding punishments that i do not deserve. 

this email started off a little intense. apologies for that :) i hope you're doing well. where ever you are. (except if you're at a seaside. then i hold spite) you have started to tether from the we s. thank you for that :)

the walking on eggshells behaviour stems from me as a child taking responsibility for my parents, i imagine. i was used to dealing with them as a mother deals with her child. it was a sort of covert incest, which is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult.  

i wouldn't call it abuse, though. i just became conditioned to accept things as they came. warts and all.

did not fare well for me, because it got messy when people decided to litter their problems onto me.

that was never my intention - to be an emotional trash can.

i think that's where my issues start from.

a need to be special. 

a need to be a parent.

a need to care for people who have not been dissected to their true meaning. they're not bad.

a need to understand things as if there's depth below everything.

sometimes people are bad. there's no explanation. no justification.

i'd never imagine myself saying that :) we've come a long way, jo.

yours for a little while longer,

h.

to : heeya

from : jo

Hi h,

I'd like to pick up on a few things from previous emails as well as from your most recent email, which I'll address first.  Thanks for being so open about issues arising from having to parent your parents.  You seem to "know" that love should be unconditional, not a luxury or a reward for good behaviour, but this knowledge hasn't quite become a belief on which you can base your emotional safety.  What would it take for this to happen, do you think?  And how might it feel for someone to know you?

I'm not sure what you mean by "i am used to understanding punishments that I do not deserve" and wonder if you could clarify and expand on this a bit.  Do you still consider that others use you as an emotional trashcan?  In what way does this make you feel special?

Your writing is sometimes elliptical:  "sometimes people are bad. there's no explanation or justification."  I wonder if you include yourself in this or whether you're referring to your family (or others).

Rather a lot of questions; please feel free to address as many or few of these as is comfortable for you.

The reason you find so many "we"s in our emails is that we are a team.  Different people respond to you each time, and of course, we're all different.  But we all read the whole chain and try to ensure that you get an honest, helpful, kind response.

Keep writing.  We're listening.

Jo

-

the seventh email.

to : jo

from : heeya

hello jo.

there's something very wrong with me. i still don't understand why this illness is predictable. 

i try to warn people about this predictable unpredictability in behaviour. maybe it can be explained better than i do. 

sometimes explanations sound like justifications. 

i know when the seams start to tire. 

i hate knowing.

hello to whoever is reading this.

i think i got upset knowing about the we s.

i get upset knowing a lot of things.

i don't like knowing.

i like being oblivious.

i get very uncomfortable when people try to know me. it's a lot like non consensual surgery. ive done the whole open-up-to-people thing. a lot of times actually. none of them worked out. i accepted the fact that i was a listener. someone who understood. i was never the one being understood. plus, people have funny misinterpretations of what they think i am, and sometimes when they're upset, they tend to hurl them at me. again, the lack of validity in it amuses me, but it's also uncomfortable knowing i let them misinterpret me. again, a lot like a bad doctor doing surgery. 

i think one of the things that gave me an isolation complex was the fact that i envisioned myself separated from the rest. like a glass window. mostly, because i understood the people around me, i took whatever hurt they would give me. it is alright, i thought. i'd be honoured if someone understood me.

there is so much to unpack. the answers to your questions run deep.

i include myself when i say that people are just bad sometimes. 

there are too many excuses that soften the blow, but if you've been shitty, you've been shitty.

i have. i take accountability for all that i have done. sick or not. i was conscious.

i feel heavy today.

not even my fingers can move to type a lot.

yours until i know,

h.

to : heeya

from : jo

Hi H,

Your emails are full of similies and images and literary contructions. You evidently find a lot of pleasure in writing and I hope this is a way for you to channel some of the issues that affect you.

I wonder whether you could tell us what one thing you would like to change in your life to make things better for you.

Jo

-

the last email.

to : jo

from : heeya

dear jo,

it's always nice talking to you, jo. you are somewhat of a stranger holding an uncomfortable familiarity. that sounds weird, now that i've written it down. it's been nice talking to you. thank you for easing me out of the hurt. it feels nice knowing i can come back to you. excuse my self containment in that sentence. 

i have been very tired today. i slept off wherever i could. maybe it's the new medicines, i don't know. 

do you think i'm paradoxical ? how i beg for the discipline i find revolting ?

i'd really like to visit the seaside with you one day. 

yours until you reply,

h.

to : heeya

from : jo

Hi h,

Your email seems conclusive, yet content. I hope you are keeping well. 

I also hope the new medication is really working for you.  I don't think you're being paradoxical when you long for the discipline you have found revolting in the past, maybe your subconscious is beginning to realise that discipline is a natural part of a comfortable life.

On a different note, referring to a doctor metaphor in an earlier email, it is preferable to visit doctors who are well versed in what they do, instead of getting mis-diagnosed by bad doctors. You should know that you don't owe people because you have been traumatized. In your words, it would be trying to save all cancer patients because you remissioned.

Do write again sometime.

With best wishes,

Jo

-

i look at the last email for a while. read it a few times over. 

an estimated ending. for now, at least. 

i close my eyes and i can hear the sea. i can feel the wind rushing to get home.

                                                                        unknown.