E.T

 everytime i feel good i think it'll last forever.

but it doesn't.

and somehow i'm still surprised.

the dining table sits next to the window. and on the dining table, sits a box of teabags. i've never been much of a tea-drinker. especially tea without milk. but when ma got that box of teabags, i decided to expand my horizons. i really liked the vanilla tea and the cinnamon and the other flavours and i allowed myself to get comfortable with it because, honestly what's the worst that could happen ?

a few days ago, the box was gone.

not like, gone gone. 

it had just been thrown out of the window. the tea bags were scattered across the footpath like rain patches.

it sounds comical, right ? a box of tea bags being thrown out ? 

but no. it wasn't comical. to me, this was a routine ritual. it almost felt religious. obviously, i knew it had nothing to do with me and it was probably a rat or a crow or someone else throwing a fit, but it felt targeted. 

it was still okay, i didn't let myself get too emotional with the teabags.

but it was just a reminder that i got too close with the tea. 

and that everything i get close to, ends up getting thrown out the window. or throw themselves out the window.

either way, there's a window involved.

because everytime i feel good, i think it'll last forever. and then i name it.

i thought a lot about this, when i was sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's. how every time i name something, and i call it mine, it's as if this huge prick in the sky looks down at me, shines that cinematic golden light, and says 

nuh uh. now that you've named it, it's gone. poof.

(take a big fat shit while you're at it. moron)

i think this explains a lot about how i view religion. but that is besides the point.

naming is a bad thing. 

but you can't care for something if you can't call it something.

call it by its name.

or call it by yours.

i am a warfield because my mother named me.

and she called me heart. 

-

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near-

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you ... "

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry !" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so."

"Then it has done you no good !"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the colour of the wheat fields." And then he added : 

"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

And then he went back to meet the fox.

"Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret : It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose-" said the little prince so that he would be sure to remember.

"Men have forgotten the truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."

"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

-

i'm sitting in a waiting room and i look at this old lady with a parallelogram for a head. i wonder what she's in for. alzheimer's ? ma doesn't think so. because then she'd probably come with another person.

there's another man, who sits on the hard sofa like he's about to defecate any moment. i can tell that his pants are too tight. then i think, should i be looking at his pants ? does he see me looking at his pants ?

the receptionist wears a lipstick shade that is blinding. 

i don't like lipstick.

but then, i do. a very specific shade of it. 

when i think of lipsticks, i only think of that very specific shade.

and when i go to the stores, i smear all of the trial tubes on my thumb to find the closest resemblance.

i should've been clearer. i don't like wearing lipstick.

maybe it's because ma never did.

it is so boring here. 

and the monologue never ends in my head.

personally, i think i'd make a great tv show. the drugs are wearing off and i can see much clearer. and i think,

                                        wow. the world is so much yellower than i thought.

i'm sitting in the waiting room for a dentist's appointment now.

they're playing this happy jingle on the tv right above my head.

it is a tooth dancing around.

it is an invisalign advertisement. 

i wear a black sleeve on my left arm. two years ago i would have loved wearing it. back then i thought it was mysterious and cool and grunge-y. now the polyester irritates me. it sticks to my skin and everything feels compressed and itchy. 

and then i remember that today is fathers' day.

 when i wish my father, he replies with an apology. 

all he does is apologize now.

i hated may. 

i hate june even more.

i wonder how horrible july will be. 

i'm supposed to feel happy now.  where is the happiness ?

i think i know what feeling i'm afraid of the most.

i still can't put it to words.

shame? embarrassment? being left out ? not being let inside? 

i'm afraid of feeling good. 

because it has always been a preliminary to humiliation.

it's a lot like being caught stealing something.

-

floor.

face. floor. shoulder. wall.   blank.

a little bit of green.

red one. red two. red three. red four. red five.

giggle.

red one. red two. red three. red four. red five.

now blurrier.

red one. red two. red three. red four. 

red for eternity.

this red is the colour of hell.

sometimes when i really want to cry, i look down at people's shoes. when i was a kid, my father had told me that you get to know a person by the shoes they wear.

there are so many shoes.

i don't like looking up at people anymore.

it can be scary, looking at someone.

so instead

i look at their shoes

and deduce.

calendar. watch. plant. spiral.

calendar. watch. plant. spiral. 

calendar. watch. plant. spiral.

calender. watch

heeya what do you have to say ?

spiral.

spiral.

calendar. watch.

plant. spiral.

calendar. watch.

don't cry. don't cry. don't cry.

calendar. watch.

spiral.

spiral.

spiral.

spiral.

i wonder who made it. even the clumsiness of it, adds to its novelty.

spiral.

dear god, if you are up there, please don't let them see me cry. please.

i see their faces. 

to them i am made of china and extraterrestrial matter.

and all the rights i was taught as a baby are now wrongs. 

and there are so many people. 

and a lot of them are not very nice.

and the few that are nice

are not always nice.

and nothing your parents told you apply in the real world.

and i feel like an alien.

 too big for the room.

    too much for the people.

       

and i still can't sink into the ground.

why can't you get better ?

if i could. i'd do it in a heartbeat.

-

the world always speeds up before slowing down and stopping.

i live in a world that is not this.

this world is so hard to live in.

but i do pretty well usually. when my earth spins fast. it spins so fast you'd think it's standing still.

but then        it shifts from its orbit      and starts to slow down       and stops   

and floats in the empty space

and this sound does not travel in vacuum.

-

come here

no ma'am, it really is alright

okay still, come here.

what they did was not okay. but the world isn't fair. it is not fair, you hear me? it is not fair. things will get hard, but you'll pull through. i know you can. i see how strong you are and i see you. you can be so good at what you do if you trust yourself. i don't believe that anybody can ever weigh you down. you're a beautiful, creative girl and you with your drawings and your writing, you can get through anything. i don't think they even understand you enough to put you down. you'll be stronger. it's okay if you want to cry right now. i'm here.

and

 you have your family

you have some teachers

and you will continue creating.

ederke ki diye dekhate hoy janish ? shoja marksheet diye. khete khete khete, porikhata de, tarpor ar kichu oderke boltei hobena.

(soft laugh)

and i am here. you know where to find me, don't you ?

yes :)

ebaba tara tari doura bus chere debe ! (hands over the books and the bottle) ja ja

thank you ma'am :)

abar thank you-

all i really remember were her hands. and how she held my hands throughout. and how all the rings on her hand were green. and her sari was green.

i wondered if she colour coded her dress everyday.

and in that room,

it was just me and her.

after everybody had lives and trains to go catch.

and 

she smiled at me

in a way nobody had in a very long time.

and for a while,

i belonged.

-

white tailed deer spend several months in their juvenile stage. during that stage the deer is susceptible to imprinting on whoever is there for it.

human or not

unkind or not

and like a displaced fawn, she took wobbly steps to whoever extended their hands even for a moment.

her heart used to swell under a glance (or a glare)

and she would tuck herself into the crook of a neck.

until there was no longer room for her.

after about a year a deer will reach maturity and become independent 

but she was born again and again and again and again

               living a lifetime and not being missed again and again and again

wandering to whoever or whatever would have her, again and again

human or not

unkind or not

and i, the extraterrestrial, watch over her, she who lives in the woods. 

-

i recently started watching The Joy Of Painting with Bob Ross. how i love that kind little man.

                                                          Mountain Landscape - Bob Ross