heeya and i

 i feel tired.

it is after a long time i am tired.

there is no buzz.

there is no dyne bustling through the cracks.

it is all quiet.

i can hear,

for the first time after a very

long

time.

my breathing is soft and erratic at the same time.

a little restricted.

a little fast at times.

the room is raspy.

the room is vacuum.

there is a hole in my thorax.

my eyes are burning.

something is wrong.

what's wrong heeya,

tell me.

heeya doesn't know.

she is quiet.

i sit in front of her. confused. she has always known.

she looks scared.

i don't understand. there is a sensation in the nose. the eyes are welling up. the foot hurts. 

something is wrong.

i ask again, what is wrong heeya.

i hear drops on the bedsheet.

plop.

the oblivious kettle whispers from the kitchen.

plop.

the eyes shut.

a dismissive hand swipes away at the moist skin.

heeya what's wrong. 

my tone is demanding. angry.

heeya can't speak.

why can't heeya speak.

the silence is unnerving.

sueeeeeeeeeeeet. the kettle gasps in the distant kitchen.

heeya speak.

heeya tell me what's wrong.

heeya no longer knows.

she says slowly,

this world is a cruel place.

i will make this world a better place.

i will slit open their eyes.

what else heeya,

what else can i do for you.

her hands are frail.

she is worried.

how do i save her ?

i would bring her the sun if she wanted.

heeya is very sick.

and i am very tired.

the world has not been kind.

-

i sit with heeya in a room with walls closing in on us. here, the oxygen is limited, and it smells like piss. she is silent. i am silent. 

this room is very ugly.

and dirty.

and it makes her cry.

these days everything makes her cry. 

i look at her and i try to reason.

heeya do the work you will not be sad you will forget to be sad.

she looks dead. 

these days she barely moves.

i can hear her say

i am forgetting everything but the agony.

i don't remember. i don't remember.

i sit next to her and i watch her like a coroner watches a corpse.

i sigh.

dead people are not appreciated much. i wish she woke up. i wish a lot.

sometimes even i don't want to be her friend.

this room is repulsive.

-

heeya and i are in a place that is full of people. she is rocking her leg again. i look at her and i tell her not to. she stops.

a little while later, she raps a pen against the desk.

a co-attendee looks back at her with irritation.

i can hear heeya's heart go faster. i don't understand why she is scared. i ask her

heeya are you scared

what are you scared of

heeya does not want to tell me. she thinks it will make her look infantile. her hand starts trembling and she can hear her heartbeat in her ears.

she is very inconveniently fragile. i wonder what she will do without me.

i sit next to her surrounded by all those people. there are so many people. i fix my clothes and lean back.

people need to die more, i think.

heeya shatters like a window pane beside me, but i pretend not to notice. 

maybe if i don't it doesn't exist.

-

i stand tall over the mess.

like some self righteous man

i tilt my head and i try to understand how i can assort it into bins.

heeya does not make it easy.

she is panicking 

and she wants the mess to disappear.

i frown and i look at her

well gee after what you did i don't think that is a plausible possibility

she looks at the floor. in a little bit of shame and a little bit of spite.

she doesn't like it when i tell her that she has made a mess.

when i tell her, all she hears is 

heeya you are a mess-maker you make messes 

i get tired of her a lot.

sometimes i wonder if i would have been more self actualized without her.

if life would have been easy without her.

she sits on the bed and i crouch down handpicking all her damage into bowls.

this is how we will do it and you will stick to it capisce ?

she nods.

she does not stick to it.

when it spills out of my hands, she is put to sleep. only maa can. she knows heeya better than i do.

i don't think i'll ever be a good mother.

-

you're doing the thing again heeya

i don't know what i did tell me what i did! i'll listen this time, please don't let me lose this.

i don't know how to talk to her nowadays. she doesn't listen to me even when she hears.

i take a deep breath.

you didn't do anything. you just need to sit down.

no no i cannot sit down until i solve it.

she doesn't solve jack shit by the way. i'm always the one solving. still. i don't speak out. i can tell her heart rate is increasing. i have to be careful here.

alright well can you breathe ?

don't do the whole psychology routine with me

you realize that the entire point of that discipline is to help you get through it right ?

i hate it when you rationalize things i just need you to fix the situation

well that is not going to work because it needs time i'm not god

please i'll do anything 

well then let the time pass

fine

what are you doing ?

letting time pass

you're just sitting and looking at it, how is that going to help?

i'm doing what you said

you will lose your mind. this is abnormal, you have to go about your day.

i can't do that unless the problem is solved.

that sentence makes me want to pull my hair out. 

you realize this will make the problem worse right. you're feeding the paranoia yourself.

i don't care i just want it to be fine.

sometimes i let her be. i'm too tired for all this.

-

i can see heeya seated on the floor of the verandah. it is early morning, and it is raining.

she is lulled today. and the day will move slow. and the people will move fast.

she doesn't make it any easier for me to push through the hours.

i sink into the swing suspended loosely from above. her head rests against the wet railing, and the garter tying her hair lazily holds the last few strands together.

i'm sorry 

for what ?

i don't know, everything ? i feel so sorry all the time i can't help but say it.

you don't have to be sorry to me. i'm stuck with you.

i wish i wasn't like this. maybe if i didn't know about the sadness, i wouldn't be this sad. a lot of people go about their whole lives being sad and they don't even know it. people are better off not knowing this exists. i've dug too deep.

it won't be like this forever. i don't think so, at least. things get better.

you talk like you're programmed code sometimes.

i go quiet. i'm not programmed code. i have sentiments. but if i let the sentiments loose, then none of us will survive.

i'm sorry too.

you don't even know why you're sorry.

you're right, but i don't need to know why all the time. sometimes i just am sorry. sometimes i think you need me to be sorry.

that sounds so autocratic. 

learn how to not assume in extremes heeya. 

sometimes i am hard on her. but i would rather me be harsh to her than anyone else. i would not take anybody saying anything to her. i put my foot down at that.

-

i am falling asleep and heeya is not tired. 

she looks at me for company but i am falling asleep. 

i need to walk her through this i can't fall asleep.

if i fall asleep, i will wake up to irreparable damage. i cannot sleep i cannot sleep.

i see her going into the crowd again. i am not supposed to leave her alone.

but i am so tired. i am so tired.

when i wake up, i wake up in the middle of a battlefield.

and she's caught in crossfire.

again.

we had the talk heeya we had the talk about what we can say and not say and do and not do

everybody said i was being too much. 

we discussed what you have to do when this happens we rehearsed

i didn't do anything i was so nice to everyone.

that isn't what we agreed on why do you never listen to me ? how am i supposed to help you if you don't listen to me.

you were gone

i wasn't gone i was tired i needed some time. you can't be an invalid when i'm not around heeya.

but i was nice to everybody

nobody cares about your niceness heeya i have gone over this with you so many times we discussed all of this. i told you not to do all that i told you to stay in your limits.

i didn't hurt anybody

you hurt yourself.

i hug her for a long time. nobody ever gave her the time to grow up. i sit hugging her and she weeps. 

i draw the curtains

nobody should see her like that.

-

i see her glancing at the clock on the wall. it is 1:13 a.m.

not today, i tell her.

when i look at her i feel sad. i want her to molt out of this. i tell her 

heeya not today.

she has a sad smile on her face.

and i don't say anything else

because i can feel the miserable hope crawl up my shoulder. what a half formed thing.

-

under the blanket it is supposed to be hot, but the air conditioned room makes it better. 

ঘুম যায় ঐ চাঁদ মেঘপরীদের সাথে

গল্প শোনার পালা এখন নিঝুম নিশি রাতে

heeya sings so softly only she and i can hear it. 

nobody but us is awake then.

she sings, 

and i doze off to sleep.

nobody takes care of me like she does.

-

the fan whirs above and the white tube light looks medical in the warm room. the world is moving outside but inside the room, time has stopped.

i will leave this city one day. with ribbed wings and broken legs. i will leave the white light for the nurture of the sun.

that is a nice thought.

i don't want to ask whether you'll be there.

why ?

i want you to be there. but if i ask, the want will become empirical. and then i might expect it at the furthest corner in my head. i'll let my wants stay wants.

i think, in a way i won't ever not be there. i'm a part of you, i'll always exist within you.

nietzsche says nobody loves or hates anyone forever. when they ask you whether you will love them forever it's like asking if you'll do the things that manifests the love forever. 

imagine someone asking, will you water the plants with me forever ? it may sound funny, but i think i would.

you need to stop doing so much. more, if you expect something in return.

that sounds pitiful. to do something good with an expectation that you'll get that back. i don't do that.

sometimes you are pitiful, when you assume that anyone else but you would do that for anybody. nobody does this. 

from the terrace, the sky looks curved. like you're lying on the blue of the earth and looking up at space.

-

i have never seen heeya get angry. i think that's why i'm scared of her. she stays silent until her body starts bursting at the seams. i have never seen anyone as self destructive as her. 

even when i see her cry, it is hesitant. 

even when it is just me and her.

this time i cannot get through to her. she howls like a wounded dog, and it reminds me of my own. 

when i come close, i know she will bite. but when i stray, she gets terrified. 

deafening.

still, the room is quiet.

she screams and there is a pin-drop silence.

she does not let one drop of emotion spill out. 

not a breath.

sometimes i get frightened of how much of everything she contains in her.

she will not even let me see.

all i can do is sit next to her and let the kettle whistle.

this silent agony is perhaps the only thing that has scared me in this lifetime.

i am not like her. my anger is blazing. and never under wraps.

i'm so sorry.

oh god, why are you sorry i'm right here talk to me

it's me isn't it ? i'm the only one that kills the joy in everything?

i don't know what to say to that. but when i'm silent, she gets scared.

you're not heeya. i need you to let all of this out.

if i do, you'll think i'm insane.

you're not insane.

you know i'm insane. you just don't want to say it.

we're all a little insane.

i don't like you. you disappear when i need you. i don't want you if you're just there when i'm losing battles. when i'm crumbling. to be a savior.

i don't talk for a while. i'm used to not talking. 

i dab the cotton with antiseptic and i wash her wounds.

sometimes i am only her caretaker.

maybe that's what i always wanted to be.

-

do you think people would care for me if i died ?

i turn around and look at her lying on the bed. often, the questions she asks reflect the state of her mind. 

what?

i think if i died, people would finally be kind. look at me like they look at a person. not through the eyes of pity. i don't know, maybe that is too much to ask. i don't think i've ever deserved that either.

why would something dead be more worthy than it being alive ?

there's a lot of empathy associated with death. and a lot of guilt. when i die, i want to return all the guilt. i have this notion, which tells me that when i die people are going to come and say 'oh i wish she lived longer. i wish i had been nicer to her.' 

you need people to be nice to you-

correction, i need people to be decent with me.

don't interrupt me. you do that a lot, and it's like you don't want to listen to me. if you had to empty your head you could do it to a wall instead of me. you just want to talk.

i'm sorry, that was a little rude. i meant that you could listen to my side sometimes too. or else, there's no point of me being here in the first place.

apologies.

first of all, your definition of decent is very different from other people. when you keep personalizing your relationships with others, it means that repeatedly you're assuming that they'll react to it like you would. you don't consciously do it, of course.

heeya?

she will be cross about the interruption episode for sometime now. maybe if i had a manual with things i'm not allowed to say, it would be very helpful.

saying any of this would be considered offensive.

-

wow.

okay okay, so one way of going through this is talking about the thing that displeased you ?

you think i'll do that ? what if i say something wrong? all of it'll come out as a mountain of negativity.

you're doing the thing where you assume that the other person will react like you again.

every normal person reacts like that !

heeya your version of normal isn't normal. 

I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED.

you need to express displeasure to people outside of me. maybe, then it'll be easier to dissect the issue at core ?

no i don't want to be horrible. i'll just vent it out to you, and then it'll leave my system and i will forget it.

that never happens, because venting it just explores new perspectives to the issue and now you're thinking about that in twenty different ways heeya. this is how you spider your thoughts. 

maybe i deserved that, you know ?

jesus we have done this a million times over. talk about the issue simply with the other person, and it'll die on its own. your fear of rejection and discontinuation is branching out when you expand on it with me. you'll shut down when this gets more intense. listen to me.

i'm a bad person for even thinking this is offensive. it isn't i'm okay with it.

you're not okay with it. just tell the other person that it made you feel bad.

but what if it embarrasses them ? and they feel ashamed? and i look high nosed for expecting that ?

they'll feel worse when you bring it up later, when the problem has rotten. you've got a clear choice.

besides, if they've done something that is conventionally bad, and they feel bad when you express the displeasure, i think you were around people who in general were trashy.

i wish i was you.

you are me.

well, then i wish i wasn't me.

-

someday, when i hear her laughing it will be a new day. i will let out all the breaths i kept in my chest. her eyes will glow. she will walk without a fear hanging in her throat. 

i will walk a little behind her. for her to know that she can do it. i want her to know that i believe in her.

she will run up to her friends and i will smile. 

then, i will let her go for sometime. she will learn. she will grow. 

and i'll be there when she needs me.

-

prison has never looked this sweet.

                                                     Las Dos Fridas - Frida Kahlo (1939)