love, h.
i think i am terrified of losing my misery. i think if i lose it, i'll lose my art with it.
artists and their agony have an unhealthy codependent romance.
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i think i am also afraid of loving.
for as long as i can remember, i have refrained from love. i saw these people around me living through what they called love and that scared me.
when i did not have the strength to run, i made them run.
god forbid someone sees me as i am.
so, instead of love, i became desire. which was easier to achieve than love. it was much more digestible than what love was. much more comprehensive and commercial and certain. much more safe.
and everybody who fell in love with me, fell in love with what they chose to see.
i considered myself the greatest mirage to ever exist.
the essence of irrealism.
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i was once asked to describe myself as a metaphor.
i said
i am the ocean. the closest thing to tranquility.
i am the ocean. soft and kind and gentle.
i am the ocean. with all my unpredictability.
i am the ocean. overwhelming and overhauling.
i am the ocean. frightening below the surface.
i am the ocean. with the monsters in my belly.
i am the ocean. flooding and fleeing.
the ocean is much more beautiful than i am. i just use a lot of pretty words.
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when you can't explain,
you tend to separate yourself from the rest of the people around you.
i got very comfortable behind my glass wall.
maybe there is some untaught power in being an observer. an examiner. with an assurance that those waters will never touch me. i am incomprehensible, unfeeling. therefore, i am untouchable.
i was untouchable for a while. since i had never really understood the verity of human interaction, i functioned like a computer. with people, i formulated ways the interaction could go, and i was usually right.
when i wasn't, i'd be surprised. or disappointed, with the fact that i had been wrong in deducing the situation.
so, i ended up calling this indefinite dissociation, being behind the glass window, with an assumption that i was immune to the very situations i analyzed.
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"স্নেহ-প্রেম-বন্ধুত্বের ষড়যন্ত্রবন্ধন তাহাকে চারি দিক হইতে সম্পূর্ণরূপে ঘিরিবার পূর্বেই সমস্ত গ্রামের হৃদয়খানি চুরি করিয়া একদা বর্ষার মেঘান্ধকার রাত্রে এই ব্রাহ্মণবালক আসক্তিবিহীন উদাসীন জননী বিশ্বপৃথিবীর নিকট চলিয়া গিয়াছে। "
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yesterday i watched 500 days of summer. throughout the movie i sat and watched myself. i don't know if that seems self contained, but it was like watching two different versions of myself being together. when summer's monologue came on i laughed. two years ago, i had posted that monologue, not even knowing where it was from.
i just knew at the time that it resonated with me.
she says, "i'm just not comfortable being someone's girlfriend. i'm not comfortable being anyone's anything. i like being on my own. i think relationships are messy and people's feeling get hurt. who needs it? we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. we're young. might as well have fun while we can and leave the serious stuff for later."
what i would give for that to resonate with me again.
to snicker when people talk about love and mock them for being delusional.
Since the disintegration of her parents' marriage, she'd only loved two things. The first was her long
blonde hair.
NARRATOR
The second was how easily she could cut it off... And feel nothing.
i paused the movie and smiled.
and then i watched the boy start to fall in love with her.
I love her smile. (i wince)
I love her hair.
I love her knees.
I love the heart shaped scar on her neck
I love how she looks when she's sleeping.
I love the sound of her laugh.
(Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - The Police starts playing)
I love how I hear this song every
time I think of her.
CU - TOM, STARING DIRECTLY AT THE CAMERA.
TOM
I love how she makes me feel. Like
anything's possible. Like, I don't
know...like life is worth it.
i thought capricorns weren't supposed to be irrational and sappy.
i learnt who i can be at the height of my wanting and at the height of my desperation and i don't like her. i think i avoided any sort of happiness to get away from her.
i don't think i'm scared of love.
i'm scared of who i become when i fall in love.
and then there was this conversation.
SUMMER
No, I'm not a lesbian. I'm just not
comfortable being somebody's
"girlfriend." I don't want to be
anybody's anything, you know?
MCKENZIE
I have no idea what you're talking
about.
SUMMER
It sounds selfish, I know, but... I
just like being on my own.
Relationships are messy and
feelings are always getting hurt.
Who needs all that? We're young.
We're in one of the most beautiful
cities in the world.
SUMMER (cont'd)
I say, let's have as much fun as we
can afford and leave the serious
shit for later.
TOM
But...what if you meet someone and
fall in love?
SUMMER
(LAUGHS)
Love? You seriously believe in that
stuff?
TOM
Of course I do.
SUMMER
Interesting. A real romantic.
TOM
Summer, hold on... you don't
believe in love?
SUMMER
I don't even know what that word
means. I know I've never felt it,
whatever it is in all those songs.
And I know that today most
marriages end in divorce. Like my
parents.
TOM
Well mine too but --
SUMMER
Oh yeah, And I read in Newsweek,
there were these scientists who
found that by stimulating a part of
the brain with electrodes you can
make a person fall in "love" with a
rock. Is that the love you're
talking about?
TOM
Well..
SUMMER
Why, what's your take on it?
TOM
I think it's...kind of a huge
thing.
SUMMER
(BEAT)
Ok. Looks like we're gonna have to
agree to disagree on that one.
this 1 minute conversation felt like a conversation with an earlier self of mine. it's almost as if,
if i ever ended up talking to a younger version of me, this is how it would go. except, i'd be tom and she would be summer.
and i'd murmur, every day i know a little lesser.
TOM
Summer... we don't have to label
what we're doing. I just... I need -
SUMMER
I know -
TOM
Consistency. I need to know you
won't wake up tomorrow and feel a
different way.
SUMMER
I can't promise you that. Nobody
can. Anyone who does is a liar.
A beat.
SUMMER
I can only tell you how I feel
right now... or I can show you.
as i sat there watching, i could see myself in both of them. i had been summer for so many people. and when i sat watching, the tom-ness of it all was unbearable.
it was like watching something fall apart slowly.
Tom and Summer ride in silence for a few beats.
TOM
(BEAT)
How was your weekend?
SUMMER
(winks at him)
It was good.
hah putting aside all that reflecting, this was my favourite dialogue. they didn't put it in the film, though.
RACHEL
I kinda like what Nietzsche said:
"There is always some madness in
love, but there is also...always
some reason in madness." Think
about it. Pretty smart. Although,
Nietzsche also said "Kill the
Jews." So there's that.
the entire film was messy. maybe i was messy.
(to WAITRESS)
Um...you know what...let's go
crazy, I'll have BOTH.
(to Summer)
God, I love eating pancakes at
night. It's like the greatest thing
ever. How great is this?
SUMMER
I think we should stop seeing each
other.
yikes.
SUMMER
This thing. This whatever it is.
You and me. Do you think this is
normal?
TOM
I don't know. Who cares about
normal?! I'm happy. Aren't you
happy?
SUMMER
You're happy?
TOM
You're not?
SUMMER
All we do is argue!
TOM
That is such a lie!
SUMMER
This can't be a total surprise. I
mean, we've been like Sid and Nancy
for months.
TOM
Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy seven
times with a kitchen knife. We've
had some disagreements but I hardly
think I'm Sid Vicious.
SUMMER
No... I'm Sid.
TOM
(BEAT)
So I'm Nancy?!
SUMMER
Let's just eat and we'll talk about
it after. I'm starving.
Without another word she goes back to her pancakes. Tom
watches her eat like this is the worst travesty in the
history of mankind.
SUMMER
(mouth full)
Mmm, you're so right. These are
great!
Tom looks at his food in disgust. He may never eat again.
SUMMER
(INNOCENT)
What?
Tom stands up to go.
SUMMER
Tom, don't. Come back. You're still
my best fr---
tom's falling in love with summer was an ironic sort of falling in love with himself. primarily because it is rarely that we fall in love with the notions of another, but much more how we deduce, or assume them to be. it is human nature and very instinctively so. he appealed to ideas he thought summer was displaying. or in a more egocentric sense, one adapts and constructs the fact that perhaps, in a way it referred to something they have done.
in that sense, summer wasn't to blame for tom's hurt. neither is anyone to blame for anyone else's hurt.
there's this one scene where summer tells him that he has potential for so much more than keeping a job as a greeting card writer. she tells him to pursue architecture.
in that way, she made him discover himself. and he couldn't let her go.
as a visual, it would be as if he built a house for both of them, and wanted her to come live with, but she didn't want to. and even after she was long gone, he kept staying in that house that he built for both of them.
TOM
It's amazing to me. You're married.
SUMMER
I know.
TOM
You're not only someone's
girlfriend, your someone's wife!
SUMMER
Pretty crazy, huh?
TOM
(SIGHS)
I'll never understand that.
SUMMER
Tom --
TOM
What's different now? How could
things change so quickly?
SUMMER
I don't know. It just happened.
TOM
What happened?! That's what I don't
get.
SUMMER
I... Tom...
TOM
What, tell me...
SUMMER
I woke up one day and I knew.
Tom says nothing.
SUMMER
What I was never sure of with you
And there's not much else to say after that.
Tom gets up to leave.
TOM
You know what sucks? Realizing that
everything you believe in is
complete bullshit.
SUMMER
What is?
TOM
Destiny, soulmates, true love. All
that stuff. It's nothing more than
silly childhood fairy tale
nonsense, isn't it? God!
SUMMER
Tom, don't go.
TOM
I should have listened to you,
Summer. You were right all along.
neither one was a role model for love. and summer was never the antagonist of the movie.
i think the idea of the one that tom circled back to everytime was an exaggeration of what he thought he had with summer. throughout, he tries narrating his own version of their relationship. at the end of the movie, i think i realised how tom-centric it was. it wasn't about summer at all. he tried indefinitely to get her to love him the way he did, and it never worked.
and i don't think he understood that emotion couldn't be forced.
even when he saw her slipping away, he chose to ignore it and see her as he wanted to, hoping she would live up to her expectations. when she didn't, she was portrayed as some promiscuous sadist. for tom, if summer loved him, if they stayed together, he believed that she would actualize his dream.
i was listening to this album Entanglements by the Parenthetical Girls. the title insinuates the chemical idea of entanglements, that once particles meet, they always carry a whiff of the other, no matter where they go.
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when i stand at the counter and ask for eclairs after the bill has been made, the man gives me a look. i look at him back. he wears a sando-vest and my glasses are cloudy because i just got off the bus. does he know i'm having a tummy ache ?
when i walk back home i expect the place to be dark and dead. i already spent a good 8 hours pretending to be lively.
when i come back it is dark. and quiet. and i sigh. it is not healthy to find solace in isolation. but i can't help it.
i lie down for a while and hope the house burns while i do.
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at the age of 5, if anyone had asked me what i wanted, i'd have asked for toys - my subtle substitution for worthy companionship.
at the age of 17, if anyone asks me what i want, i'd ask for comprehension.
maybe it's because i don't know a lot of words. maybe if i did, telling people about my experiences would be easier.
i long to talk about myself as if i exist in theory. to understand and study. and to explain.
but then
you rarely get the things you want. if you did, there would be an irreparable imbalance in the universe.
boom.
how do you go back to the beginning of the book once you've finished reading it
i don't know.
i used be a very avid reader, and my grandparents' house had a limited number of books i liked. i finished reading all of them in the summer break. which is a bad move, never go fast go slow with books and trash your need for instant gratification.
but i had already read all of them and now i was pretty bored.
so i stood in front of the huge bookshelf, and i picked out the very first book i had finished reading. it was called Sophie's Adventures.
and i started reading it again.
i assimilated and moved with information fairly quickly at times, which also meant that i forgot little things that made the book special in the first place.
every time i re read the book it was a different experience. and it wasn't that the book was any different. it just meant that i grew and interpreted things differently and my likes and dislikes changed.
i never grew out of the book. i passed it on.
to a very impatient younger sister.
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d: a good artist knows when to stop.
h: i can make it look nicer, i just have to fix this one thing-
d: sometimes leave it be. don't tamper much. you're spending an exorbitant amount of time on it.
(black border thickens)
h: no no no no no NO- uh whatever doesn't matter i'll paint the entire thing white and start over again.
d: throw the canvas now. i'll get you some new ones if i go out today.
h: no but the picture was so nice i can't even make it like that again. it wasn't conscious it just came out it won't come out again.
d: you're 14. if it doesn't happen now, it'll happen again later someday. it's a painting, heeya. you're good at art.
h: i'm not good at art. it just comes out. i don't even know what i'm doing.
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colour my life with the chaos of trouble ? (anon.)
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