there it goes :))

i spent most of september and october listening to maisie peters.

i've loved listening to her since i was 11. 

i think entire neighbourhood listened along with me when i went out cycling with her on speaker in the carrier basket.

-

sept.

[ play.  april showers

when april showers, you wash her hair

she's got your heart inside her hands

as the water falls

i bet it's gonna wash out every thought you ever had of me

every hour, im more aware

she's in your eyes, no underwear

as the water falls

i bet it's gonna wash out every thought you ever had of me ]

september is always unbelievable. that is the one word i'd like to call it.

like starting to watch a movie you'd never watch. ever. what a silly movie.

like watching the credits scene it ends on and thinking

that doesn't make any sense. this was a waste of time. who thought this was a good idea.

but the director has been witty enough to put in a good metaphor you're mad you didn't think of.

once you've watched a good deal of art films, you're usually good at knowing how the script's been written.

sometimes it ends up being good, and you think that was okay but i don't think i'd watch it again.

sometimes it ends up being tacky, and you think that was not good at all. they could do better. ew. 

but it ended up being stupid, and you think that was absolutely retarded after like one good dialogue.

and you're furious you'd ever watch a movie like that.

because everybody had already thought it was dumb. 

and now you hate it.

you hate it even more because once, you actually laughed at a joke accidentally put into the script

and thought

what a silly movie.

what a stupid movie   you think now and laugh.

finally some alone time :)

[ play. lost the breakup

got the news just last month

that i am exhausting and you're not in love

didn't say it in those words

but i know how your tone works

ill smile and you'll have to face it

im the greatest love that you wasted

but, by then, ill be far away (uh)

and, oh, shit, you lost the breakup ]

when i am no longer a scared animal

i find love everywhere

within the eyes of the child waiting to pop a bubble

within the metro ticketmaster who grins at me when he gives me a token

within my mother singing with the sea

within a good cookie

in the crevices i leave in my paintings

in me.

and i let it come and go. 

i am like the dog that sits at the beach. waiting only for the waves.

not letting anybody touch it.

a glance is enough.

i wish the ocean a good night

and i wish all the best friends i have ever had. 

the last thing they'll get out of me.

oct.

[ play.  there it goes

i hang all my art

and i dance with the coven

as the rain falls hard on the street

and i, im doing better

i made it to september

i can finally breathe

the love we had was covered in snow

i had to let it go

yeah, the love we had was eating me whole

i had to send it home

oh, there it was, heaven knows

there it was, now there it goes ]

-i.

we sit in a little french cafe and the creme brulee cracks like ice when i tap it. 

after we're done, a sweet looking baker lady comes to collect the plates and i tell her the food was delicious.

she responds in fluent tamil and i sign my appreciation with my hands and broken laughter instead. 

both the bill and gratitude were lost in translation.

-ii.

the notre dame is pink and quiet. 

the sun falls through in every colour but yellow and it feels warm on the skin.

a round-ish man asks me to take a picture of him with jesus and he takes off his baseball cap.

i smile behind the camera.

-iii.

i sit in the sea wearing my good clothes and i can't stop laughing.

accidentally picked up a moving oyster and i try my best to throw it back into water.

all the pictures make me laugh and i haven't smiled in ages.

even the bad ones. 

-iv.

maneuvering a large bubble stick is more difficult than i thought.

but the determined two year old looks at me with high expectations.

i blow one at the right height and she speeds after it. pop.

the only moving vehicle on the promenade is a misplaced roller skate.

-v.

it is early morning and it is raining.

i seem to be in a william turner painting.

the world is so big, i think.

i run along the coastline and i never want to go back.

[i feel it changing

im young but im aging and i

need you less than i did

i threw a party

he kissed me right in front of my friends

i felt so far from the cliffs

i sleep through the night

and i go where im wanted

and i don't need your light to be lit

but oh, the way i loved you

i will not be embarrassed of that

just should've known when to quit

now im over the worst of it 'cause

yeah, the love we had was eating me whole

i had to send it home

oh, there it was (there it was)

heaven knows (Heaven knows)

there it was (there it was)]

-vi.

the convenience store owner is a semi bald grinny gay man with a dog called tofu

i love petting smooth dogs.

this dog is slobbery too. 

i love him anyways.

-vii.

i stick my head out of the auto and i can smell fresh rain.

my friend sends me something that would upset me a month ago

she does not know 

how far the sea has taken me.

-viii.

i lie down on a rock and i can hear the waves crash

it is late in the evening and you could get lost at sea.

but i think of all the places i still havent visited

not of all the places i already have. 

[ma sings]

-ix.

i see love everywhere here, and it makes my heart glow.

theres a beardy grandpa with a baby and a wagging dog on a bench.

theres a cow chewing grass.

theres the medication in the suitcase that i didn't need.

-x.

i close my eyes in every quiet i can find.

and i can see the illusion of a thing called horizon, knowing there is life beyond it

away from the peopleness with livings and survivings and endings.

and i see it go.

[ A new home, a swan dive

A blank page, a rewrite

A black cat in the streetlights

An open door

The comedown of closure

The girls and I do yoga

I wake up and it's October

The loss is yours ]

i like how i am.

the entire world may hate but i am affectionate.

and sometimes 

not even the entire world could hate like i.

[brick lane in the brisk cold

and red wine on his hip bone

the witching hours of stockholm that you won't see

sunflowers in the kitchen

a heartbreak in remission

The universe is shifting

And it's all for me, all for me

the love we had was covered in snow

i had to let it go

yeah, the love we had was eating me whole

i had to send it home]

i sat on the rock looking at people walking into the ocean.

some to drown.

some to be held by something reluctant to let go.

i have never felt so full.

i am hungry only for a cheeseburger.

and i find great joy in learning how to bite.

in learning how to want to gnaw off my own leg when caught in a trap.

there it was (there it was)

now there it goes (there it goes)

(there it goes, there it goes, there it goes)

                                                                      william turner. 

                 

there is such strength in acknowledging nostalgia but understanding that i would cut my hand off before reaching for it ever again.

there it goes